Poems and stuff

I wonder if...

3 notes

I realized today, that I don’t fear to be alone - I just don’t want to be alone. I feel much more control over my own happiness now. I’ve realized that this whole time I’ve known what I wanted in a relationship, but this whole time, I was approaching things the wrong way. I’d change myself for what I thought the other person would desire, without considering my own needs and my own desires. I never thought, “What can this person do for me? What IS this person doing for me right now?” I was always thinking, “What do they need? What do they want? I could be those things. I know that I can do that. They want those things? Okay, I’ll be those things.” By focusing on the other person, I was no longer focusing on myself and whether this person was meeting what I wanted.

Sure, it’s great to feel this high when you like someone, but I shouldn’t need to feel like I have to prove myself to this person. I shouldn’t change myself to be what they’re looking for. I know what I’m capable of, I know what I can do, and if this person wanted to be with me, they’d take the leap. I’m taking the leap despite my fears. I have to not think “what if” this happens if I just wait a little longer. No. It’s just not the right time, perhaps it’s not even the right person. If this person wants to be with me, their actions would show it. If not, then it’s too bad, because saying that you think of someone is different than taking action to be with someone. I’ve also learned to own my flaws. If I own them, they no longer have power over me. I need to learn to accept myself. I’ve realized that I need to stop moulding myself into what another person wants in a partner, I’m not being myself - and this is before we’re even going anywhere! I’d hate it if someone were to do that for me. I’m not ready for a relationship until I learn to be my true self at all times. I’m not ready to be in a relationship until I learn to not bend over backwards for someone before we’re commited or in love. That my flaws will be loved and not simply tolerated. I’ve learned that I was looking for acceptance, but I shouldn’t just give that power to someone else. Through that, I feel more empowered to my own happiness. If I accept myself and another person doesn’t like me for who I am, it’s fine. It’s fine, because if we ended up together, sure I’d be happy to have someone. However, at the end of the day, I’d feel rather exhausted and perhaps depressed, because I’m not really being myself. I’m not being who I am and so don’t feel accepted for who I am. And one of the things that I want to have in a relationship, is for my partner and I to be comfortable being ourselves while we’re together. If I change myself before that even starts, I’m denying myself of what I wanted and I’m wasting my time with someone who doesn’t really want me for who I am. I know what I’m willing to do for someone. Of course, I’ll bend over backwards when the situation calls for it. But that’s the thing, “if the situation calls for it.” That’s a temporary thing. It’s not supposed to feel permanent. It’s not supposed to drag on and make you lose yourself. It’s supposed to serve for the now until the situation is over. I’ve learned to not wait around, that if someone wants to be with me, they will. If you really want to be with someone, you’ll make an effort to do that. How you treat yourself, sets standards for how those around you treat you. It’s good to give. It’s good to be selfless. But, you have to do those things for yourself, because you value it. Don’t do it, because you feel like you are obligated to, or because you have to. Be considerate of others, because it’s what you value. Don’t do it just to be noticed or because you think that others will like you more. If someone makes you feel crappy, if you feel like you’re putting in more effort, just walk away. If they don’t even notice or actually, if they don’t care enough to get you back, keep walking. Clearly, it was just you in that relationship, you alone. It was one-sided this whole time. Why feel like an empty half of a relationship, if you can walk away and feel whole through yourself? I’ve said that I’m not settling before and I’m sticking to it. This time, however, I’ve learned that someone can be a great person, but that’s all they are. They’re a great person, but when you’re together how do YOU feel? What are THEY doing that shows you should be together? That you should be with them? You know what you could do for them and you don’t have to prove it. If they know that you’re the right person, they’ll know and you won’t have to prove it.

I just feel so relieved. It’s something I haven’t felt in a while. I genuinely feel happy, because I know what I’m looking for now. I feel like each time a chapter in my love life ends, I’m getting closer to finding out who the right man is. That’s right, not “guy,” but man! Not saying that I’ll date an oldie (who knows), but that I want someone who behaves like a man and not a guy. It might be hard to find in today’s “hook up” culture, but I’d rather not settle. I wouldn’t expect anything from anyone that I couldn’t do myself. Some might wonder if I have high standards, but I know that I don’t. I don’t expect anyone to be perfect. I don’t expect anyone to give or do anything that I wouldn’t give or do. So clearly, it’s not that I have high standards. It’s that I want to find someone who’s heading where I am. Who’s similar to me, but our strengths and weaknesses balance each other, who challenges me to grow and who I challenge to grow. My family thinks it’s nearly impossible to find that person, ‘cause they think that I’m rare and awesome. Haha, in all seriousness, they said that I was already too good. Some people have said to me before that it’s as though I came out of a story, that I am rare, and that those who are with me are lucky. That was a bit braggy, but the point is I have to know what my value is. It’s not an excuse to be cocky, because I know that there are some things I need to work on. I’m saying that as a reminder to myself, that I’m lovable! I said to my family that if I exist, there’s no way that there isn’t someone out there like me who wants the same things. I mean, what if someone came to the same realization that I had, at the exact moment I did? What if they had just left a crappy relationship, because they realized that they shouldn’t be compromising their own happiness for someone who doesn’t care as much? Who just sees them for the now, but not the future? Or what if they realized that they were chasing after the wrong people? What if, they’re feeling what I’m feeling right now? I want that relationship with unconditional love. I want that. And I’m not settling for any less, because I know that I’ll put my all in it to make it work. The key is, the other person has to do the same. If not, then we’re not right for each other. I now understand why some matchmakers (tv) ask their contestants how much time they’d like to spend with their potential SO. It’s because of compatibility. If you want to see someone once a week or communicate with them everyday, while they’d want to see you everyday and communicate once a week, it doesn’t mean that one of you is clingy, it just means that you have different needs. It might mean that you’re incompatible if you’re unwilling to compromise. And that’s okay, because there will be someone who wants to meet your needs, because they know that having you in their life, adds value to it. And it is such a relief to feel this way. I’m done dwelling over the past of what didn’t happen, because I’m focusing on what’s happening now and what do I want to happen. If I’m thinking of what happened in the past a lot, what this guy or that guy did in the past, then I’m not seeing what they’re doing now. I’m missing the memory of them, of how we were, but I’m failing to realize that that’s not us now. That’s gone. I’ll always cherish those moments, but I have to let go of all the pain of what could have been. I need to let go, because it’s not helping me see what’s happening now. I’m not anticipating for what’s better and what could happen. I can’t change the past. I can’t change how much it hurt me, but I can let it go so that it no longer has control over me. The past is just that, the past. It’s in my mind. It’s not real anymore. And I have to live in reality. I have to realize that once I’ve found that reality that I want, after I’m living in it, it will be so much better than any past could’ve given me. If not, I’m robbing myself of my own life and my own time. The past may have been good, but it serves me no purpose to relive it if I’m not going to learn anything from it and if it’s stopping me from getting what I really want and need.

All in all, I’m not ready for a relationship until I learn to fully accept myself. I’m not ready for a relationship until I learn to be myself and not mould myself into what another person is looking for. By moulding myself, I’m robbing myself of my own needs and not focusing on what I want, I’m also robbing this person of their time when they could be finding that person who’s right for them.

Filed under post dear diary journal insight love crush dating relationships getting over you getting over him life lesson happy letting go motivated

1 note

The Missing Piece

A piece was missing,
A piece was gone,
When a teenaged boy took it,
Dragged it along.
I searched and plead,
But he kept his mouth shut.
I wandered for years,
Looking for one.
Where was that piece?
That piece that I’ve missed.
When I was fixated,
You showed me this.
The piece was missing,
The piece was gone,
But it wasn’t mine
All along
There it was!
Right beneath me!
If I had stood,
I would’ve seen!
You showed me this,
After my internal war,
You reminded me
What I was searching for.

Filed under the missing piece story creative writing lit literature poem poetry missing piece

3 notes

Late Night Talks

His voice was home,
His words were gentle,
It took me by surprise,
This more tender side.
My fears exposed,
He didn’t run.
It was midnight
When he held me with his words.
To him, it was unbelievable
How he told me everything.
“This might hurt you,” he’d begin
It brought a smile to my lips,
With each truth unraveled,
I saw humour in them,
Took him by surprise,
Made him laugh.
We learned a little more,
I fell a little more.

Filed under poem poetry love creative writing lit crush writing late night talks

2 notes

He says that he’s afraid to lose me to someone better,
I’m afraid to lose to him to his past.
He says that he needs to feel safe in order to fall,
I’m afraid that he won’t ever catch up.
He says he’s afraid of losing his personal freedom,
I’m afraid that he’ll take advantage of the fact that I want him to have freedom.
He says he’s afraid of getting too attached and thinking of me a little too much,
I’m afraid, because I’m already there.

Filed under afraid creative writing poem love

0 notes

I wish I knew what he thought of me,
He scribbled down “self-conscious” onto his loose leaf paper.
"You’re in a safe place," he said.
"How do you feel about me writing notes about you?" he asked.
"Amused," I replied. "I feel nothing. I’ve numbed myself, so I’m quite amused."
He smiled the way he did when he had a secret.
"What would you like me to talk about next?"
"Anything that you want to talk about," he replied.
"Why don’t you just ask me what you’d like to know?"
"Because I find you confusing, and it’s fun to be confused."
I looked at him, wondering what I was doing.
We looked at each other for a while. We looked into each other’s eyes.
"Are we having a staring contest?" I joked.
"Would you like to have a staring contest?" he smiled.
"No…" we continued to look at each other. I looked away.
"Are you trying to see whether my pupils are dilated?" I asked.
"I wasn’t trying to, I already did."
He didn’t like that I didn’t find him to be a mystery, even though I told him that I didn’t find anybody to be a mystery. Nowadays, I found people boring. I couldn’t believe I had said those words. Gone was the girl who used to look at the world with such wonder.
"I’m tired of waiting," I said while lost in my thoughts. I looked up at him to see that he was looking at me as though I was some captivating specimen. "Are you still attracted to me?"
"Yes… I am……" I looked at him and saw the he was lost in his thoughts. He snapped out of it, "and I’m not."

0 notes

I miss him a lot. I can’t help but smile whenever I think about what’s happened so far… It just feels like a dream! I’m afraid that the next time I see him, I’ll have to wake up to reality! I’d be lying if I said that I’d be fine if nothing more between us happened. I’m just not sure how these things usually start. I just can’t wait for 2.5 more weeks! Our exams will be over and we’ll see if he keeps his word of us going out :) kinda nervous!

0 notes

I got sick on Sunday. I haven’t been sick in a while. I just woke up and suddenly my head just felt like it was throbbing and my senses, specifically my hearing, just became hyperactive. Whenever my family talked to me, it just sounded really loud. As the day progressed, my other senses became hypersensitive as well. Specifically my sight and touch. Every movement I make, it hurts. When I graze my fingertips along the sheets, it feels so prickly, yet I know that it’s usually soft. My joints feel all funny. The computer screen easily gave me a headache. I’m not too sure why. I had a weird dream though that revealed I was hyper-processing everything at a distance that my brain was overworking itself. If I look onto my computer screen for too long, I don’t feel too well. Whenever I thought of something that required deeper thinking or that had many associations with it, my mind couldn’t handle it. I had to distract myself by thinking of a simple object. I pictured an apple. I haven’t pictured anything more vivid in my life. It was to the point where I could smell what the apple would smell like and would know how its waxed surface would feel against my skin. I through up in the middle of the night and felt much better afterwards.

I went to the walk-in clinic on Monday, because my mother was worried. The doctor said that I had probably overworked myself or that my stress patterns were now affecting me. He said that whatever I had was probably just a one day thing. I still felt a little weak. He said to just take Tylenol and said that if I wasn’t feeling well during my exam the next day, to let the TA know so that they could defer it.

Before the exam, I was simply feeling slightly cold and nauseous. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I was feeling much better yesterday, but was feeling so crappy right now. The exam was fine. I’m just worried because I know I didn’t do the best that I could. If I was able to think a bit more clearly, perhaps I would have studied a bit more effectively.

Tonight, I just feel very groggy. My body doesn’t feel like my own. It feels like I’m a prisoner of it. I’m not too sure what’s going on or whether this is really what stress should feel like. I mean, I’ve been stressed a bunch of times before so it makes no sense to me as to why my body is reacting this way now.

17 notes

antoeknee2:

It still fascinates me how the lack of solitude or quiet time can make an introverted individual (such as myself ) physically sick and mentally exhausted. I’ve been neglecting the fact that i’m highly introverted for a while, so please pardon me as I crawl back into my shell and recover. :P 

antoeknee2:

It still fascinates me how the lack of solitude or quiet time can make an introverted individual (such as myself ) physically sick and mentally exhausted. I’ve been neglecting the fact that i’m highly introverted for a while, so please pardon me as I crawl back into my shell and recover. :P 

(via bml1997)

0 notes

I’d go back, but I don’t feel anything. I can no longer find the strength through thoughts I used to delve in. All I see is that look on your face you when you’re thinking, when you’re smiling, when you’re mad, the day you were on the verge of tears. The feelings I had from the moments we’ve shared, the memories we’ve created. In the end, I was the only one who remembered.

0 notes

The timing wasn’t right. If I was who I am today a year ago, maybe it would’ve all been different. I can’t go back. So here’s to the present and future.

0 notes

I feel so depressed. I hadn’t realized that I was suppressing a lot of my emotions until today. Don’t you just hate it when you’re super close to something to have it all disappear. Like I was so close to crossing the finish line just to find out that the race is called off. ARghhhh!! Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo………………… I wish that I could just turn into dust. My head’s pounding and I just don’t feel anything yet feel like I’m about to burst into tears… any moment now. I just hate everything right now.

0 notes

I think that one of the reasons why I take a lot of naps is because I think too much and my brain becomes easily exhausted. I think that right now, I’m just working on finding a good balance between living internally and externally. I find that living internally is an escape. I think about the things that I’d like to do some day. However, it can be exhausting as I’m mentally replaying situations in my head and what I could have done in that situation instead. It also causes me to overanalyze. At the same time though, I don’t find that I’m “overanalyzing,” because most of the time, when I think deeply about something, I turn out to be right about my hunches. The downside to thinking “too much” is that I’m not actually living. There’s not much that I can do at the moment. I can’t afford to do most of the things that I want to do, and when I can afford it, there’s nobody to do those things with. I mean, I’d like to be able to go somewhere at night and not have to worry about cat-calls or being approached by people I don’t want to interact with. So, I’m kind of stuck. It would be nice to have a companion who I could travel with… I wish I had a dog that could transform into a humongous creature that’d protect me. That’d be pretty awesome. 

Filed under infj thoughts