He says that he’s afraid to lose me to someone better,
I’m afraid to lose to him to his past.
He says that he needs to feel safe in order to fall,
I’m afraid that he won’t ever catch up.
He says he’s afraid of losing his personal freedom,
I’m afraid that he’ll take advantage of the fact that I want him to have freedom.
He says he’s afraid of getting too attached and thinking of me a little too much,
I’m afraid, because I’m already there.
I wish I knew what he thought of me,
He scribbled down “self-conscious” onto his loose leaf paper.
"You’re in a safe place," he said.
"How do you feel about me writing notes about you?" he asked.
"Amused," I replied. "I feel nothing. I’ve numbed myself, so I’m quite amused."
He smiled the way he did when he had a secret.
"What would you like me to talk about next?"
"Anything that you want to talk about," he replied.
"Why don’t you just ask me what you’d like to know?"
"Because I find you confusing, and it’s fun to be confused."
I looked at him, wondering what I was doing.
We looked at each other for a while. We looked into each other’s eyes.
"Are we having a staring contest?" I joked.
"Would you like to have a staring contest?" he smiled.
"No…" we continued to look at each other. I looked away.
"Are you trying to see whether my pupils are dilated?" I asked.
"I wasn’t trying to, I already did."
He didn’t like that I didn’t find him to be a mystery, even though I told him that I didn’t find anybody to be a mystery. Nowadays, I found people boring. I couldn’t believe I had said those words. Gone was the girl who used to look at the world with such wonder.
"I’m tired of waiting," I said while lost in my thoughts. I looked up at him to see that he was looking at me as though I was some captivating specimen. "Are you still attracted to me?"
"Yes… I am……" I looked at him and saw the he was lost in his thoughts. He snapped out of it, "and I’m not."
I miss him a lot. I can’t help but smile whenever I think about what’s happened so far… It just feels like a dream! I’m afraid that the next time I see him, I’ll have to wake up to reality! I’d be lying if I said that I’d be fine if nothing more between us happened. I’m just not sure how these things usually start. I just can’t wait for 2.5 more weeks! Our exams will be over and we’ll see if he keeps his word of us going out :) kinda nervous!
I got sick on Sunday. I haven’t been sick in a while. I just woke up and suddenly my head just felt like it was throbbing and my senses, specifically my hearing, just became hyperactive. Whenever my family talked to me, it just sounded really loud. As the day progressed, my other senses became hypersensitive as well. Specifically my sight and touch. Every movement I make, it hurts. When I graze my fingertips along the sheets, it feels so prickly, yet I know that it’s usually soft. My joints feel all funny. The computer screen easily gave me a headache. I’m not too sure why. I had a weird dream though that revealed I was hyper-processing everything at a distance that my brain was overworking itself. If I look onto my computer screen for too long, I don’t feel too well. Whenever I thought of something that required deeper thinking or that had many associations with it, my mind couldn’t handle it. I had to distract myself by thinking of a simple object. I pictured an apple. I haven’t pictured anything more vivid in my life. It was to the point where I could smell what the apple would smell like and would know how its waxed surface would feel against my skin. I through up in the middle of the night and felt much better afterwards.
I went to the walk-in clinic on Monday, because my mother was worried. The doctor said that I had probably overworked myself or that my stress patterns were now affecting me. He said that whatever I had was probably just a one day thing. I still felt a little weak. He said to just take Tylenol and said that if I wasn’t feeling well during my exam the next day, to let the TA know so that they could defer it.
Before the exam, I was simply feeling slightly cold and nauseous. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I was feeling much better yesterday, but was feeling so crappy right now. The exam was fine. I’m just worried because I know I didn’t do the best that I could. If I was able to think a bit more clearly, perhaps I would have studied a bit more effectively.
Tonight, I just feel very groggy. My body doesn’t feel like my own. It feels like I’m a prisoner of it. I’m not too sure what’s going on or whether this is really what stress should feel like. I mean, I’ve been stressed a bunch of times before so it makes no sense to me as to why my body is reacting this way now.
I’d go back, but I don’t feel anything. I can no longer find the strength through thoughts I used to delve in. All I see is that look on your face you when you’re thinking, when you’re smiling, when you’re mad, the day you were on the verge of tears. The feelings I had from the moments we’ve shared, the memories we’ve created. In the end, I was the only one who remembered.
The timing wasn’t right. If I was who I am today a year ago, maybe it would’ve all been different. I can’t go back. So here’s to the present and future.
I feel so depressed. I hadn’t realized that I was suppressing a lot of my emotions until today. Don’t you just hate it when you’re super close to something to have it all disappear. Like I was so close to crossing the finish line just to find out that the race is called off. ARghhhh!! Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo………………… I wish that I could just turn into dust. My head’s pounding and I just don’t feel anything yet feel like I’m about to burst into tears… any moment now. I just hate everything right now.
I think that one of the reasons why I take a lot of naps is because I think too much and my brain becomes easily exhausted. I think that right now, I’m just working on finding a good balance between living internally and externally. I find that living internally is an escape. I think about the things that I’d like to do some day. However, it can be exhausting as I’m mentally replaying situations in my head and what I could have done in that situation instead. It also causes me to overanalyze. At the same time though, I don’t find that I’m “overanalyzing,” because most of the time, when I think deeply about something, I turn out to be right about my hunches. The downside to thinking “too much” is that I’m not actually living. There’s not much that I can do at the moment. I can’t afford to do most of the things that I want to do, and when I can afford it, there’s nobody to do those things with. I mean, I’d like to be able to go somewhere at night and not have to worry about cat-calls or being approached by people I don’t want to interact with. So, I’m kind of stuck. It would be nice to have a companion who I could travel with… I wish I had a dog that could transform into a humongous creature that’d protect me. That’d be pretty awesome.
I love the way his eyes darken,
When our tones switch from playful to alluring.
How he looks at my hand in his,
The way he smiles when we’re together.
Our nonsensical banters and serious talks,
How we effortlessly rotate between the two.
I love his mind which frustrates me to no end,
Which keeps me on my toes,
Which pulls me in and makes me laugh,
Makes me think,
Makes me calm.
How he doesn’t verbalize his feelings,
But they are all that I feel.
Okay, my grieving period is now over. I just really want to run again lol, I’m not too sure what it is, but I want to live for something. I just feel dead inside and that there’s no meaning to anything. I’m craving immediate results. Quick and snappy, please. I want to live for something more. I’m stuck in school. “Stuck” by choice. I could leave any moment, but I gotta fulfill expectations. Honestly, I want to travel the world and not give a shit about money. As long as I have food and shelter, I’m all good. I’m ready for an adventure and ready to escape this place. “Be careful what you wish for.” I should really be careful what I wish for. I don’t want to die or wish harm on anybody or anything, but I need meaning in something! Gaaaahhh!! Maybe I should go paintballing. I guarantee you that I’d be scared shitless and hide in a corner, but right now, I just need that spike in adrenaline. No, I’m not going to do drugs.
So, I just took a buzzfeed quiz: http://www.buzzfeed.com/norbertobriceno/which-miyazaki-character-are-you
I got Ashitaka. According to this, I’m a badass who has a tough exterior but am really kind-hearted and that is what makes me a true hero.
Looks like I’m detached once again and that’s okay. Today, I was crazy enough to actually run - no, sprint- two blocks just to catch the bus ahead of me when I was already on the bus that would take me to my destination. Why did I do this? Why did I get off the bus and run after the one ahead of me? I do crazy things when I like someone. That’s why. I’m kinda concerned (not really) that I might be delusional. My family teases me and says that I’m basically that weird girl from one of those rom-com movies. You know, the one who falls for the wrong guys each time in the beginning of the movie? Like Gigi from He’s Just Not That Into You. And Katherine Heigl’s character from The Ugly Truth. My brother says I’m basically the female version of Ted Mosby! Well, here’s the story:
I was friends with this guy since last year. When I first met him, it was completely platonic on my part, I only saw him as a friend. Apparently, he was interested in me. I developed interest in him once he opened up to me about his life and as he got to know mine. Soon, I could sort of sense his true colours, which turned me off. So, I kinda didn’t like him anymore. It was kind of on and off. Sometimes he was good, other times, he was not as pleasant. He says that his feelings for me were on and off as well. So we were pretty much in sync in a sense I guess. I feel like the more I avoided him, the more attracted he was to me. Anyways, in the end, I felt the pressure that if we were to be together, his trust in women would kind of rest on me. He developed trust issues with his exes, so he felt like he could really open up to me and I guess he liked that about our friendship. He told me things he “would never tell anyone else” or that “nobody else knew” about him. So, yeah, pressure built and what did I do? I completely withdrew and avoided him. I wasn’t ready to face this challenge to be honest.
This year comes around, and I feel like I’m ready. You know, I don’t feel like he’s a rebound, I made sure that I was over the person who I used to have feelings for, I considered everything that he would be concerned about. Little did I know, he had lots of other secrets. I mean, I had always suspected that he had these specific secrets, but I didn’t think that I’d be right.
It was okay though, because it was already too late. When I like someone, I pretty much accept them for who they are. He said that he liked me too, and he was the one who suggested that we get either dinner or went out for coffee. I was shocked and was processing so I was completely silent around him the next time we saw each other. This was kind of off-putting for him. I apologized for being silent and told him that it was just that I felt kind of shy. Then, I was being really open with my feelings, because I felt that it was safe to do so. We were always really honest with each other, so I thought that it was okay. I thought that… you know, I had finally found someone who I could be real with. We laughed at the same things, whether it be sarcastic humour or totally nonsensical humour. We kind of were just in sync. I mean, he revealed secrets about himself, while I hadn’t. It’s not like I have any secrets to hide, but sometimes, people just find it difficult to read me. Even some of my closest friends say that I’m “a mystery.” I didn’t want to be a mystery, so I chose to be vulnerable and completely open. I said what was on my mind and how I felt, because i wanted to reassure him, since he had some insecurities. You know, I was done with the walls. I was ready to face my fear of intimacy. Like, I was ready for this. I was ready for this match and battle that I would have to face within myself for this guy. I thought that he would be ready to face his demons with me. Originally, I wasn’t even thinking of a relationship. However, he thought that I was. I never told him that I wasn’t. See? That’s the thing with me, I sometimes just kind of let people think what they want to think and go with it. Sometimes, it just intrigues me as to what people assume and sometimes I just don’t know what to say, because I’m so busy thinking of what I did that lead them to this conclusion that I forget to live in the moment. I forget to just ask them what made them think this way. In this case, this guy thought that I didn’t understand him. But no, I understood him just fine. I just never told him, because I didn’t feel the need to. It’s just that he didn’t understand me, which led him to thinking that I didn’t understand him. My guess is that he was just afraid that I was able to see through him pretty well. I get it. It’s uncomfortable feeling as though someone can peel back your layers more than you’d like them to see and that’s why I never told him that I understood him. Because, I knew that he would freak out and feel vulnerable. He always says, “you should know this about me by now.” The thing is, I do! It’s just that the way I react is misinterpreted. It’s partly my fault though, because sometimes I don’t explain myself. I just let people perceive what they want to perceive. I find that I do this, because it kind of reveals a lot about how a person thinks if you let them think what they want to think. They kind of just blurt everything out.
Anyways, I don’t even know what the point of this post was. I just felt like venting. I feel good though. I worked out, I ran after a bus for a guy. I know some people might see me running after a bus as being desperate. But truth is, I don’t know what I was thinking at that moment. I was just being direct. I had even told him that if he wasn’t into me, he could just say so. He said that he likes me, but it’s just that he wanted me to know what I was “getting myself into.”
Anyways, back to the running after the bus moment. I think it was one of those “challenge accepted” moments that I had. To be honest, it was kind of exhilarating! I mean, who can say that they ran after a bus to just to take the bus home with someone they cared about? I’m slightly amused at myself. I actually laughed at myself. I was happy afterwards. I felt good. Because, this showed me that this guy doesn’t give a shit about me and for the past two weeks, I was in limbo with him. It took me running after a bus to realize that. He kept texting me afterwards. Sure, I looked like a complete idiot. I had an audience watch me run after the bus. It was amusing seeing people’s faces as though they were wondering “would she make it? Or will the bus leave before she does?” I ended up getting on the same bus I got off of. Some people recognized me. I was greeted by smiles as I panted and wheezed. I literally wheezed. I’ve never wheezed before. It felt like water was clogged between my air passages. And I was coughing. It felt like I was about to cough up blood. I don’t think that that’s normal… is it?
I do realize that this whole story is confusing. Trust me, it’s complicated… and long. And I don’t feel right saying specifically what happened, because it’s very personal to him and it’s not like he’s ever going to read this post. But still, it just doesn’t feel right.
Anyways, men are just confusing. You know, some guys are frustrated with women having “walls.” Maybe those women are smart. Maybe having walls are good, because it provides men with a fucking challenge. I just don’t feel like being a mystery and don’t feel like having fucking walls around someone I completely trust. If you trust someone, you don’t need walls. That’s the point of trust (in my opinion at least). And I don’t feel like being a stupid challenge, because I’ve like very few people in my life so far. People don’t catch my interest very easily. So when I find someone who actually catches my interest, I think that that’s enough of a challenge. I just want to get to know them. It’s that simple. If life gets complicated, I think that I’d appreciate a simple relationship that isn’t dramatic. You know, one where you don’t have to think. I think too much about school and life already. I don’t want to friggin’ think about my love life. I just want to be. You know? Like, let’s just go on an adventure and not worry about the relationship! Let’s just live and grow as two individuals who are embarking on a journey together. It’s that simple! Seriously!