So! I might be going on hiatus for a while depending on how motivated I am on my goals. Lately, I’ve been ruminating about the past and what I should or could have done differently. Instead, I’ve decided to take charge and live my life in the now instead of in the past. I’ve been so hung up on things that I was sad about and now I just kinda wanna let that go. For now, the sad, mopey poems are going to stop. I was writing sad, mopey poems because I was actually feeling sad and those things that I wrote were actually a live stream of emotions and events that I was going through at the moment. I wasn’t portraying a character or another person. Those things were all me.
What am I going to be up to? Taking care of myself, which includes:
1. Exercising - I am kind of dreading this
2. Trying something new at least once a week - whether it be going to a new place I haven’t been to or taking a risk out of my own comfort zone
3. New playlist. Listening to music that would actually make me feel good instead of ones that allow me to feel every sad emotion that I am. I’m feeling like a new playlist is in order. I think that the only reason why I seek out sad music or sad poems or sad whatevers is because I’m looking for consolation, understanding, and acceptance. What I didn’t realize was that even though I felt understood by these things, it would only cause me to ruminate even more. I mean, these things are great and beautiful in their own ways, but they are no replacement for a good friend. A good friend is going to empathize with you, but they’re also going to try to lift you up. That’s what I was missing: the “lift up.” I was receiving all the empathizing through these songs and poems, but I wasn’t receiving the “hey, everything’s going to be okay.”
4. Do more blogging about some of the amazing people I’ve come across (on my other blog), featuring their stories.
5. Cutting loose ties. If I feel bad being around certain people, then I’m simply not going to be around them. If they ask why, I’ll be truthful and not be afraid of hurting everyone’s feelings. I’ve realized that hiding doesn’t allow growth in myself and others. I’m going to stop accommodating myself due to my own insecurities and the fear that I might hurt the other person. I mean, as long as I never had the intention of hurting someone, I think that it’s right that I’m able to be honest with them. This means surrounding myself with people who reciprocate. It’s going to be tough to find people who look out for you, but what’s made it possible is that I recently made a new friend at school. She’s awesome and just as weird as I am, so things look pretty bright so far.
6. Improving communication. As I said above, I’m going to start being more honest with myself and others. Of course, being honest doesn’t mean being less sensitive or being rude. I just have to remember that I’m not going to blame myself for someone else’s insecure reaction to the things I say. I’m going to become more aware of when people are using defense mechanisms so that I don’t blame myself for something that I felt like I shouldn’t have said.
7. And of course, the ever so cliche makeover! Come on now, you can’t blame me for this one. It feels good to pamper yourself. When you buy something for yourself, you’re doing it for you. Nobody else, just you. You’re getting something you want and it’ll feel like a fresh new beginning. I’m not going to throw away half of my closet of course. I’m simply getting a haircut. My hair’s grown kind of long, so I’m cutting it. I’m debating whether to get it coloured or not - thinking of a subtle ombre, but not sure.
And yeah, that’s all I really have to say for that. I thank all of you who have supported me so far and for those who have messaged me with nothing but kindness. Hope that everything is going well!
My friend and I were talking on the phone the other night. And I realized one of the things I missed most about living in Toronto was that my friends would ask me to hang out whenever they felt lonely, bored, or simply wanted some company. I don’t have that here. I also realized that they had always looked out for me. If I hadn’t tried something, they’d bring me along on that new adventure I had always wanted to go on. I don’t have that here. Even when I voice it out, there’s nobody here. I ask why they don’t call me when they’d like someone to hang out with even if it’s just for a bit, and they say that they never thought of me. I guess that’s what I miss most about living in Toronto: having friends like these.
This is a goodbye to every memory I’ve held onto.
And a goodbye to ever knowing you.
I allow myself to feel.
Every wound that hadn’t healed.
Shaking and pounding, cold.
Of the weight I carried, but hadn’t told.
And my throat becomes dry
Between the sobs and rhythms of songs
So loud to cover any evidence of torture.
Not knowing why I feel so damn sad,
With only one in my mind
Connected with each of my highs and lows,
Each one a painful reminder.
Goodbye I’d like to say,
but I don’t know how!
And the music’s all you hear,
Among the cries and why’s
That my soul is shaking its head,
My head aches heavily,
Feeling the pulse of my own blood,
Shoving its way through my nerves.
The air I breathe is stale,
As my breathing becomes slower.
A piercing through my heart,
And breathing becomes my cure,
But it’s not easy to attain,
When my body strives to live
And my heart longs to die.
At times, I’m not sure what’s real anymore.
Everything passes through hazy vision,
Due to the deprivations in my life
Without you and my thoughts begin to run
From the sad reality that I face.
But I continue to live as punishment,
For the days I took for granted with you.
When I closed the curtains and hid from light.
You came along and knocked on my locked doors.
Finally, courage came and I opened them.
Time had beaten me, that was my first cut.
Now, I awaken and nightmares resume.
Unaware of what’s real, taking chances
Trying to satisfy my addiction.
Once again, I walked with hazy vision
Stumbling, fumbling, but I’m still going.
I keep walking, unknowingly searching.
Almost surrendering, but then I found
A beautiful illusion and held on
Awakening to my reality.
Your brightest star
will always cast a shadow
in the light of another’s.
21/23 of the signs apply to me! Hahaha
It was fate that we met,
But it was destiny that decided.
We revolved and evolved
Into our better selves.
Returning home when weak,
Becoming stronger apart,
Checkpoint meetings of our progress.
A flush and a flame,
To never be united
But never kept apart.
I recently left a bad impression on someone. They said that they were “talking too much” and felt upset that I didn’t stop them from doing so. I was very confused. I told them that I liked listening to their stories and that I didn’t have anything important to share which is why I didn’t say anything. They basically told me off and said “whatever suits you.” I was kind of flabbergasted and all what the f? in my head. I had said to them before that if they wanted me to say something, they could just ask? I’m starting to realize that it bothers some people that I don’t say very much. But there’s nothing to say that’s relevant to what they’re talking about? So if they talk about their bad day, I just don’t feel like talking about something good that has happened to me recently ‘cause I don’t want them to feel as though I’m rubbing it in their faces or that my life is more “great” than theirs is. I also struggle with the “how’s life?” I simply reply with “good” as a default, because it seems as though that’s what people are most comfortable with. There were occasions where I was just being true to myself and I asked, “which part of life?” It seemed as though people assumed that I should automatically know what they meant by “life” in general. I think that it’s a pretty reasonable question, because it’s not like life is black and white - good or bad, life varies and changes with each moment. So on what basis am I supposed to evaluate “how my life is”? It’s not that I’m stupid and don’t know how to answer the question, but it’s just that I don’t know if my life is good or bad. It’s good because of these reasons and bad because of other reasons. I either get “generally” as a reply or “school, family, romance” as the other. I don’t even really know how in depth to go into each area; do you want the gist of it? Or the whole story? I can understand the frustration of others in the way that it’s a reasonably simple answer to give. I’m not trying to make it more complicated, I just want a better understanding of what is it that you’d like to know. To be honest, I don’t even get much pleasure of talking about my average life. I like it most when I am actually able to express something without feeling as though I don’t have any emotions. However, when I do express something with emotion behind my voice, it makes people uncomfortable or makes it seem as though I’m being dramatic. I really don’t know how else to express myself. I either go from expressing my feelings in a completely aloof manner or expressing them “dramatically.” And either way, it doesn’t make people happy. Haha, it’s like people tell you to be yourself, and once you truly are being yourself, people don’t want you to be yourself. Sometimes, I express myself in a way that’s dramatic, because it’s just my way of having fun because I’m so bored and neutral all the time, that when I do actually feel something, I like letting it out. My little brother actually called me “weird” the other day. I asked him, “isn’t weird good? What is normal?” Then he was all frustrated with me and said, “I don’t know!” I then asked him why he didn’t know if he was able to label me as “weird” so easily. This just made him more frustrated and he just caved and said that I was “right.” I asked him what I was “right” about? He said, “I don’t know.” I asked “why don’t you know? What do you feel it is that you know? Or tell me what you feel like you know so far?” He let out a sigh and said that I was making his brain hurt by making him think. I think that’s why some people perceive me as being “arrogant” at times. Geez, I’m not trying to prove you wrong or anything, but I’d just like to know how you came up with your conclusion! This has also led to some people perceiving me as “playing mind games” or even just liking “to be right.” I’m not gonna lie, I do like to be right, but only if it’s something that is justifiable. I cannot be “right” in my values unless it’s my own. I cannot tell others whether their morals are “right” since each of us values different things. I was told that I “test” people for their trust. And this makes me really upset, because I don’t. I respond with, “why do you say that?” And the other person usually can’t think of an answer. I tell them that I don’t “test people,” I just like to know how their mind words and get to the core of who they are. I don’t do that through “tests,” I do that through asking them questions. I feel that the word “test” would imply that I have some sort of standard for the other person which they must pass. I don’t have a checklist of what someone has to do to pass. I let time be the “test” if you can really count time as a “test.” I mean, if you simply observe somebody, through time, you can tell what kind of person they are, which is why I don’t see the need to test anybody. Even talking about this is making my blood slightly boil, because I absolutely hate it when people project onto me or when they assume things about me that I had never had the intention of doing. And it’s as though when you tell them the absolute truth, they don’t believe you! So as of late, I’m working on not blaming myself. Because I do blame myself for some things, since it seems reasonable to. But I have to realize that I’m not responsible for the things that people expect of me. I am responsible for what I expect myself to be. I think that this is one of the things I wish would still come easily to me. As a child, since you were egocentric, you had a tendency to focus on yourself. And well, I focused on myself during those days since I didn’t really have anybody but myself (and God). But as I grew older, I’ve just become more sensitive to other people’s needs and placed their views of me higher than my views of myself when it should really be the other way around. I don’t know man, people just make you feel bad for really going after what you want. But, I’m responsible for allowing those people to make me feel bad. Because I remember as a child, not really giving a shit of what people thought about me. I’d just do whatever it was that I wanted, and if people were insecure about it and projected some negative trait on me, I felt as though that was their problem, not mine. I felt as though I didn’t have to justify myself or my actions because I knew exactly what I was doing and why I was doing it. That was when I felt most at peace. And I’m trying to work on that. Simply being okay that others might not be okay, and knowing that I’m not responsible for it. Sure, I can try to help, but only if they let me or want me to. There’s no point in blaming yourself for somebody else’s insecurities. I remember when someone was mean to me, I didn’t care, because I didn’t take it personally. I thought that if they were mean, they probably had their own reasons which I was not responsible for which was why I was so easily able to be nice to someone. Now, I just feel bitter some of the time and feel as though I have to push myself to be a better person and adjust myself according to the needs of others. In doing so, I’ve just become lost and confused because I feel as though I have to prove something that I really shouldn’t have to prove. Gah, but then guilt and insecurity sneak up on me from time to time. I just have to remember what’s worth it and what’s not. But then I’m just afraid that a small action could really impact the other person, which is why I’m sensitive to other people’s needs. I don’t know, I go back and forth from being really self-focused to other-focused. Buuuuuttt yeah, this might sounded really confusing, though to me, it made some sense. Oh! I just had an idea, maybe it’s not as simple as this one thing that I have to work on, but just a jumble of other things that create this one feeling of insecurity and it’s just about breaking that thing down into pieces and working on it one step at a time. This was a pretty long and random rant.
I love this - such creativity!
Pawel Kuczynski – Polish artist
Tokujin Yoshioka's project 'snow' is a dynamic 15-meter-wide installation. It consists of a scene depicting hundreds of kilograms of light feathers blowing all over
and falling down slowly is meant to remind us of the snow scape of our memories and the beauty of nature which often exceeds our imagination. visitors to the exhibition
experience the feeling of looking at or walking through a snowstorm.