I think I confuse people at times, because I like interacting with people and I like my solitude. I get restless when I’ve spent too much time alone. It’s almost like “overcharging” yourself as an introvert, haha. So at times like these, I have bursts of energy when hanging out with friends or family. However, after this release of energy, I need solitude again. And I need it, because I feel tired. If you’re friends with an extrovert, they want to go out again asap because it was so much fun the last time. So, when you turn down their invitation, it can confuse the heck out of them. Initially, I didn’t know why I was doing this or what was going on, but now I do :)
Thankfully, now I actually have an explanation for them. Whether or not they understand that explanation is a different story though :p
After volunteering, I bussed to Urban Outfitters to get a record player. Thank goodness they have free wifi, because I was listening to all the record albums they had available using good ole youtube! I reeeaaalllyy wanted to get Daughter’s new album “Wild Youth,” however, they never had it at UO and when I went to Vertigo Records, they had it on special order. Coincidentally, the guy before me had asked if they had the LP I was looking for. Haha, I thought he said that he was getting something for his “daughter,” but it turns out he was trying to look for the same album I was. Here’s a link to the album: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50QOWi7nqQw
It’d been nice to listen during this time of year. So calming.
Gah! I just realized that I should of gotten the Yeah Yeah Yeahs album instead. Oh well, whatever. I ended up getting Vampire Weekend’s Contra album.
Anyways, totally not the point. Point is, I was wearing my glasses today, because, well… to hide a blemish. And whenever, I put my glasses on, the bridge would cover it, so if I were to take them off, my make up would basically rub off, anyways! I’m sure you get the picture. Quite embarrassing.
So, I’m not sure why, but people just seemed extra friendly? Maybe it was because my silence was perceived as being awkward and shy because of my glasses, as opposed to being cold and aloof (when I’m not wearing them)? Anyways, it just seemed as though people were just smiling at me lots. Or maybe I’ve just noticed now and not before, because I’m pretty much blind without my glasses on? Hahaha!
Okay, I admit, that wasn’t that funny. Moving along, I had finally decided to take the light blue turntable instead of the orange and finally decided on which record to buy. So I was lugging along a large box with my record on top of it. Out of nowhere, this guy says, “nice choice! That’s a great album!” I quickly glance over and mumble a “thanks.” I was tired from a long day and the girl in front of me was taking SO long! She was just standing there slowly taking her time, staring at the brown leather wallet with silver studs she had placed on the counter a while ago. Just staring at it, then very slowly reached it. COME ONNNN!!! I thought. My arms were about to give way, because I had been carrying my backpack which weighs who-knows-how-much, and it was killing me. On top of that, I slipped down the stairs today. Yes, I’m that clumsy. Funny thing is, I actually heard the moment I slipped. The whole squeak and tumble. Even funnier was that I had made a mental note just before I slipped to take careful steps to ensure that I wouldn’t slip!
Off topic again, sorry about that. So, this guy says “nice choice! That’s a great album!” I mumble, “thanks,” tired and frustrated from how long this girl was taking, and thinking that he was going to try to sell me some cleaner or something which I was not in the mood for.
I then glanced at the guy, because I thought, all right, I should be polite, I don’t want him to feel bad. Because it must kind of suck being the greeter at the store. You know, greeting people like me who just want to be left alone. So I then noticed that he was quite cute. Tall, average build, blonde skaterboy hair, nude gauges, and tattoos. He had that sort of face that seemed opened to the world, yet was responsible at the same time. I usually don’t like people’s tattoos. I mean, I only like them after I learn the story behind it, or when I just like the person in general. What I mean is, at first glance, I usually don’t find most tattoos to be that attractive. Some are really, really amazing if the colours work out all right, but sometimes the colours don’t turn out okay. But I really, liked this guy’s tattoos!! I mean the places he put the tattoos on, the size of the tattoos, everything was just nice! And I’m not being bias. I mean I would have gotten those tattoos! And I’ve probably made him sound feminine by saying that, but seriously! They were really neat! They just made him look like he had popped out of some sort of fantasy novel. The only colour he had was a very, very subtle pastel purple, which blended into his skin! That’s it! It actually blended into his skin! Whereas most tattoos have very harsh colour lines. That’s why the colour worked out nicely!
Back to the story, he then smiled said, “if you have any questions, feel free to ask me.”
"Uh.. no, I don’t think I do, but thanks," I said quickly and quietly. WHYYY?? I thought. Ugh! Such bad timing! I just wanted to turn invisible. "I should be a bit nicer," I thought. I began to feel bad.
"Actually, how would you maintain this?" I asked
"Oh! Well the turntable itself doesn’t need much, just make sure you dust it from time to time. Usually, it’s the record that needs to be maintained. We have some cleaner for that."
… Great, now I’m probably going to end up buying that cleaner even though I don’t really want to. I’ve spent so much money already. “=.=
That thought must have been written all over my face or something. Even greater! I bet my face is getting sweaty, because I can feel myself blushing! Not only from wearing my winter coat and lifting this damn box, but because this cute guy is talking to me. Wow! Look at how superficial I am. Whatever, he’s just paid to talk to me. He’s still talking, and my glasses are slowly sliding off. Dangit! I can’t even put them up again, because my hands are full! I wish he would just stop talking to me so that I could stop blushing!
He then stopped talking, “but we’ve sold out, so we might get more a bit later if you want to come back and get some.”
"Oh, okay, sure! Thanks!"
"No problem!" He then got behind the counter when the girl in front of me finally left. As I was paying at the cash, I noticed that he had a compass hanging from his neck. Where did he get that? I thought. I was looking for a compass exactly like that! It’s too bad I’m not in the mood to talk. I wish I had the energy, but I just don’t.
And then while I was on the bus, people were just smiling at me. I had no idea why. Maybe I looked funny today or something? I have no idea. My mom says that I just look “interesting,” because my highlights make me look edgy and the glasses are “nerdy.” Lmao!! Interesting? I’ll take that.
This has happened too many times.
- Me: Hanging out quietly by myself at a concert, or somewhere public.
- Random person: "Hey, where are your friends?"
- Me: *facepalm*...
Head in the clouds,
Now on your knees,
Begging for change,
The past isn’t.
Move along & become strong.
This is the revolution.
1. Run away to Brooklyn. Rent an apartment with a claw footed bathtub. Commute to Manhattan during the week and put in hours at a menial publishing job. Drive home to New Jersey on weekends to swim in the pool and cry to your mother. Smoke Gauloises on the fire escape. Let yellowing issues of Rolling Stone and Vogue pile into a protective fortress around your bed. Listen to Cat Power. Fall asleep mostly naked beneath the duvet watching Sportscenter and drinking earl grey. Date a Yankees fan and kiss his hands on the 4 Train into the Bronx.
2. Run away to Barcelona. Eat milk chocolate magnum bars and drink cheap champagne. Burst into charming fits of laughter whenever you get embarrassed about butchering the Catalan language. Wear denim cutoffs, Dr. Pepper chapstick, and very little else. Go dancing at 3 a.m. Whiten your teeth. Tan your shoulders. Braid feathers into your hair. Perpetually wake up with sand caught in the thin cotton sheets of your tiny bed. Listen to the Rolling Stones and kiss all the longhaired boys you can get your hands on without ever having to apologize.
3. Run away to Los Angeles. Sublet a studio in Venice three blocks from the beach. Listen to top 40 radio. Go to Chateau Marmont and charge drinks you can’t afford to a long-dormant credit card. Sleep with a television actor who lives in the valley. Sleep with a musician who lives in Bel Air. Break things off with both of them when gas prices begin to rise. Find Gilda Radner’s star on the Walk Of Fame and swallow a sob when you see the filthy cement around her name is cracked. Walk through the Venice Canals until the sun sets and you forget your own name. Call your mother crying from the parking lot of a 24-hour Ralph’s supermarket. Tell her you want to come home.
4. Run away to Paris. Gaze at the pink and pistachio glow of macarons in the window on Boulevard Saint-Germain. Listen to Joni Mitchell. Meet an Argentinean man in the Latin Quarter for drinks. Melt into his accent and kiss him goodnight, but return to your apartment alone because his face doesn’t look enough like the man’s you are trying to forget. Get lost in the Richelieu Wing of the Louvre, admiring Napoleon’s fine red damask. Walk alone along the Seine in an old dress, ten-dollar shoes, and an Hermes scarf. Fumble with the locks on the fence overlooking the river. They all have lovers’ names etched into them and the girl who left the red heart-shaped lock has the same name as you.
5. Run away to Martha’s Vineyard. Write heartbroken stories during the day in front of a large fan that blows curls of humid hair across your tired face. Take a waitress job at The Black Dog at night and try hard not to drop too many trays. Learn to ride a moped. Pretend you’re a Kennedy. Listen to Carly Simon. Eat hand-churned ice cream out of waffle cones. Visit the flying horses and consider how many girls just like you have sat on the same horse clutching for the same brass ring. Get stoned and dance barefoot down the length of the eroded Jaws beach. Date a Red Sox fan. Yell at each other during baseball games, and then kiss and make up between tangled sheets.
It was exactly this time,
Last year when it all happened.
With the semester ending,
I was in a rush for something
that turned to nothing.
When I knew it wasn’t right,
But kept going.
When I learned
How it felt to be safe,
To be taken care of,
By somebody who wasn’t myself.
To receive more than I gave,
Destined to end.
The One That Never Was
Anonymous asked: Do you think it's 'normal' for an INFJ to pretend to feel feelings we really don't just to make someone else feel cared for? I once made myself cry in a situation I felt it was expected and I still can't wrap my head around that one...
Jung described Fe as feeling that accommodates to the situation based on what is appropriate or polite. It’s not pretending, it’s accommodating. You’re doing what is appropriate based on the situation. The external feelings around you dictate that you be sad, so you become sad and cry. It may have not come from your own subjective emotions, but it isn’t pretending. You made it happen because it was appropriate to do so. That’s Fe. It’s our second cognitive function and a major part of being an INFJ.
Good Fe trait,
That explains a lot. I always felt as though I was pretending, but at the same time felt as though I wasn’t.
Those moments of abuse
Replayed over and over in my head like movie.
My head down, face staring at the shadowed desk.
Trying to distract myself from the lecture.
The lecture was on abuse.
I tried to change my train of thoughts,
Thought that I could escape into my own world,
If I could no longer see those around me.
It all backfired.
Putting my head down and staring at the desk,
Simply forced me to concentrate on what the prof was saying.
“Pulling or pushing her,”
“Slapping, hitting, or shaking her,”
“Pulling her hair”
“Choking or smothering her”
“Restraining her in any way,”
“Breaking her bones,”
“Locking her out,”
“Throwing objects at her,”
With each point,
Memories flooded in.
I couldn’t stop it.
It kept rewinding and playing,
Rewinding and playing.
Nothing but darkness and the movie that played.
I thought I had forgotten all this pain,
I thought I had forgotten this feeling.
It was then,
I hadn’t felt like a scared child,
In so many years.
I was alone.
I knew that I was.
Just like that night,
Just like multiple nights,
Praying to God to save me,
To end my misery.
All those nights.
Of looking out into the darkness,
Seeing the faint glow of the time in red,
Waiting for it to all stop,
HOPING FOR IT TO ALL STOP
Crying and praying.
From 3-5, from 8-10.
Dragging her, beating her.
There it goes again.
She tries to fight him,
A losing battle,
She lets out a cry,
A cry of help, a cry of pain.
As I stood there and watched him beat her.
As I told him to stop.
“I’m teaching her a lesson!”
I couldn’t do anything.
Darkness, I was alone in bed.
When I heard her scream once again,
When I heard yelling,
I just wanted it to all be over,
For it to all go away.
I just wanted to die if it would all just go away.
I’m now 20.
That was me.
From 3-5, from 8-10.