I realized today, that I don’t fear to be alone - I just don’t want to be alone. I feel much more control over my own happiness now. I’ve realized that this whole time I’ve known what I wanted in a relationship, but this whole time, I was approaching things the wrong way. I’d change myself for what I thought the other person would desire, without considering my own needs and my own desires. I never thought, “What can this person do for me? What IS this person doing for me right now?” I was always thinking, “What do they need? What do they want? I could be those things. I know that I can do that. They want those things? Okay, I’ll be those things.” By focusing on the other person, I was no longer focusing on myself and whether this person was meeting what I wanted.
Sure, it’s great to feel this high when you like someone, but I shouldn’t need to feel like I have to prove myself to this person. I shouldn’t change myself to be what they’re looking for. I know what I’m capable of, I know what I can do, and if this person wanted to be with me, they’d take the leap. I’m taking the leap despite my fears. I have to not think “what if” this happens if I just wait a little longer. No. It’s just not the right time, perhaps it’s not even the right person. If this person wants to be with me, their actions would show it. If not, then it’s too bad, because saying that you think of someone is different than taking action to be with someone. I’ve also learned to own my flaws. If I own them, they no longer have power over me. I need to learn to accept myself. I’ve realized that I need to stop moulding myself into what another person wants in a partner, I’m not being myself - and this is before we’re even going anywhere! I’d hate it if someone were to do that for me. I’m not ready for a relationship until I learn to be my true self at all times. I’m not ready to be in a relationship until I learn to not bend over backwards for someone before we’re commited or in love. That my flaws will be loved and not simply tolerated. I’ve learned that I was looking for acceptance, but I shouldn’t just give that power to someone else. Through that, I feel more empowered to my own happiness. If I accept myself and another person doesn’t like me for who I am, it’s fine. It’s fine, because if we ended up together, sure I’d be happy to have someone. However, at the end of the day, I’d feel rather exhausted and perhaps depressed, because I’m not really being myself. I’m not being who I am and so don’t feel accepted for who I am. And one of the things that I want to have in a relationship, is for my partner and I to be comfortable being ourselves while we’re together. If I change myself before that even starts, I’m denying myself of what I wanted and I’m wasting my time with someone who doesn’t really want me for who I am. I know what I’m willing to do for someone. Of course, I’ll bend over backwards when the situation calls for it. But that’s the thing, “if the situation calls for it.” That’s a temporary thing. It’s not supposed to feel permanent. It’s not supposed to drag on and make you lose yourself. It’s supposed to serve for the now until the situation is over. I’ve learned to not wait around, that if someone wants to be with me, they will. If you really want to be with someone, you’ll make an effort to do that. How you treat yourself, sets standards for how those around you treat you. It’s good to give. It’s good to be selfless. But, you have to do those things for yourself, because you value it. Don’t do it, because you feel like you are obligated to, or because you have to. Be considerate of others, because it’s what you value. Don’t do it just to be noticed or because you think that others will like you more. If someone makes you feel crappy, if you feel like you’re putting in more effort, just walk away. If they don’t even notice or actually, if they don’t care enough to get you back, keep walking. Clearly, it was just you in that relationship, you alone. It was one-sided this whole time. Why feel like an empty half of a relationship, if you can walk away and feel whole through yourself? I’ve said that I’m not settling before and I’m sticking to it. This time, however, I’ve learned that someone can be a great person, but that’s all they are. They’re a great person, but when you’re together how do YOU feel? What are THEY doing that shows you should be together? That you should be with them? You know what you could do for them and you don’t have to prove it. If they know that you’re the right person, they’ll know and you won’t have to prove it.
I just feel so relieved. It’s something I haven’t felt in a while. I genuinely feel happy, because I know what I’m looking for now. I feel like each time a chapter in my love life ends, I’m getting closer to finding out who the right man is. That’s right, not “guy,” but man! Not saying that I’ll date an oldie (who knows), but that I want someone who behaves like a man and not a guy. It might be hard to find in today’s “hook up” culture, but I’d rather not settle. I wouldn’t expect anything from anyone that I couldn’t do myself. Some might wonder if I have high standards, but I know that I don’t. I don’t expect anyone to be perfect. I don’t expect anyone to give or do anything that I wouldn’t give or do. So clearly, it’s not that I have high standards. It’s that I want to find someone who’s heading where I am. Who’s similar to me, but our strengths and weaknesses balance each other, who challenges me to grow and who I challenge to grow. My family thinks it’s nearly impossible to find that person, ‘cause they think that I’m rare and awesome. Haha, in all seriousness, they said that I was already too good. Some people have said to me before that it’s as though I came out of a story, that I am rare, and that those who are with me are lucky. That was a bit braggy, but the point is I have to know what my value is. It’s not an excuse to be cocky, because I know that there are some things I need to work on. I’m saying that as a reminder to myself, that I’m lovable! I said to my family that if I exist, there’s no way that there isn’t someone out there like me who wants the same things. I mean, what if someone came to the same realization that I had, at the exact moment I did? What if they had just left a crappy relationship, because they realized that they shouldn’t be compromising their own happiness for someone who doesn’t care as much? Who just sees them for the now, but not the future? Or what if they realized that they were chasing after the wrong people? What if, they’re feeling what I’m feeling right now? I want that relationship with unconditional love. I want that. And I’m not settling for any less, because I know that I’ll put my all in it to make it work. The key is, the other person has to do the same. If not, then we’re not right for each other. I now understand why some matchmakers (tv) ask their contestants how much time they’d like to spend with their potential SO. It’s because of compatibility. If you want to see someone once a week or communicate with them everyday, while they’d want to see you everyday and communicate once a week, it doesn’t mean that one of you is clingy, it just means that you have different needs. It might mean that you’re incompatible if you’re unwilling to compromise. And that’s okay, because there will be someone who wants to meet your needs, because they know that having you in their life, adds value to it. And it is such a relief to feel this way. I’m done dwelling over the past of what didn’t happen, because I’m focusing on what’s happening now and what do I want to happen. If I’m thinking of what happened in the past a lot, what this guy or that guy did in the past, then I’m not seeing what they’re doing now. I’m missing the memory of them, of how we were, but I’m failing to realize that that’s not us now. That’s gone. I’ll always cherish those moments, but I have to let go of all the pain of what could have been. I need to let go, because it’s not helping me see what’s happening now. I’m not anticipating for what’s better and what could happen. I can’t change the past. I can’t change how much it hurt me, but I can let it go so that it no longer has control over me. The past is just that, the past. It’s in my mind. It’s not real anymore. And I have to live in reality. I have to realize that once I’ve found that reality that I want, after I’m living in it, it will be so much better than any past could’ve given me. If not, I’m robbing myself of my own life and my own time. The past may have been good, but it serves me no purpose to relive it if I’m not going to learn anything from it and if it’s stopping me from getting what I really want and need.
All in all, I’m not ready for a relationship until I learn to fully accept myself. I’m not ready for a relationship until I learn to be myself and not mould myself into what another person is looking for. By moulding myself, I’m robbing myself of my own needs and not focusing on what I want, I’m also robbing this person of their time when they could be finding that person who’s right for them.